Complain, complain, complainAm I really a whiner?Last month my client Mike said “Rhonda, I feel like a whiner. In every coaching session I end up complaining about what’s not working.”
Fair enough. Mike does complain. But I wouldn’t call him a whiner. And why not?
A whiner complains with no intent to fix the challenge. But Mike is different. He shares high points (he’s slowly learning to celebrate) and low points. Then we brainstorm ways to fix those low points…and he actually does it. He changes. He puts the strategies in place. Doesn’t sound like a whiner to me!
In corporate speak Mike would be called solution-oriented. In BIG-gem-language he’s a fixer. He pinpoints the problem and then fixes it: he changes himself, gives feedback to others or chooses to ‘let go’.
We’ve all met real whiners. If you work with one ask “do you want me to just listen or do you want me to help you solve this?” It will draw his attention to his complaining. And you'll create a chance to coach him toward being a fixer.
If you’re really serious about whining less and being more effective, do as my mentor Darci Lang does: set a 3 complaints limit. In her amazing book Focus on the 90% she talks about how she’ll listen to a friend or colleague complain about something 3 times. And after that, they have to “lay that sucker out” and fix it. She applies it to herself to: the stories are compelling! Buy it at www.DarciLang.com
So how about you? Are you a whiner or a fixer? And considering that, how effective are you?
Perhaps you’re like me: a closet whiner. For years friends were amazed at how ‘together’ I seemed. I never complained about anything. Never shared any hardships. I saved them all to dump on my dear husband.
A few bold girlfriends called me on it. I realized that trusting them enough to share tough times deepens our relationship, IF I do it as a fixer, not as a whiner. I can say “Here’s my challenge. Here’s how crummy I feel about it. Now please brainstorm with me on how to fix it.”
If I’m deeply honest I lean toward whiner one minute and fixer the next. I’m a whiner if I feel tired or rushed. I’m a fixer when a client throws me a last minute change at a speaking engagement. And you…when are you a whiner? How’s that workin’ for ya?
If you’re ready to shift from whiner to fixer ask yourself, your friends or your team these powerful coaching questions:
- At the heart of it what is really going wrong here?
- How do I really feel about it? Be accurate. If you want a list of emotion words to use for this exercise email me and I’ll send you the PDF.
- Why do I feel that way? This is often a BIG gem moment and it’s when the dark part of us peaks out. Like I wrote about in last month's enews.
- Now what might I do about it? Using the word ‘might’ takes the pressure off. You don’t need to find the perfect plan. Brainstorm possibilities with others. And then DO something.
Complaints are sexy. It feels good to vent. I understand. But how is that whiner behavior impacting your relationships and work place?
Maybe you can still have that venting release, as the introduction to a fixer-discussion. You’ve got the tools and the powerful questions. Now are you going to do it? Really? Remember, this is it. This is the year to stop trying to be who you want to be and start doing it. Focus on 1, act on 1...just 1 BIG gem!
Email: Info@RhondaVictoor.com
Phone: 250.712.0085
Web: www.RhondaVictoor.com
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